The Wisdom of Not Doing

I am reading Joan Borysenko’s book “Saying Yes to Change” (co-wrote with her husband Gordon Dveirin). It was the butterfly on the cover that hooked me…that and the fact that my tryout talk for ministries is called “Just Say Yes”, and is all about saying yes to change and transformation. Oh yeah…the book has a free CD included. I am a sucker for anything free. Of course this little six inch book cost $17.95, so I’m guessing the cost of the CD is included in there somehow…but what the heck…I still like the idea of getting something free, even if I technically paid for it.

I’m enjoying all that I’ve read so far in this book, but what I want to write about here is the chapter: The Wisdom of Not Doing. This is something I’m an expert on; I’ve sure been doing a lot of it lately. I am hanging out there in the Void…that place between the old and the new. I’ve let go of one trapeze bar and haven’t quite grabbed a hold of that new bar out there that I know has my name on it. It’s a rather unsettling place to be, especially considering I’ve been out there with nothing to hold onto for over ten months.

You see I’m a minister without a church. I left ministry over four years ago when my sweetie was diagnosed with cancer. He fought that battle for two years and after he made his transition I needed time to heal. So I became a nanny, because I figured being around children would be healing—it was. I had a brief thought that perhaps I’d just continue to be a nanny until I could retire, but I began to get that Divine Discontent and knew that God had other ideas. So now I’m without any job and in the process of finding my right and perfect church. It’s out there I know, but it is taking a lot longer to connect with than I had anticipated. So I am learning about “the wisdom of not doing.”

I am not a ‘type A’ personality, so doing nothing actually comes kind of naturally to me. I can spend days alone in my apartment with nothing but my cats, my computer, my books and my TV…oh yeah, and don’t forget the snacks. However, what I’ve discovered is…this can get old pretty fast when you have nothing productive or creative in your life to occupy your time.

I’ve been telling myself that this is the perfect time to finish writing my book, Reel Transformation. I have a double-spaced manuscript of about 144 pages, which is not quite enough to publish. I also have one last class to finish for my BA degree and this would be the opportune time to work on it. I’ve been working a little on both, but not as much as I think I ‘should’ or ‘could’ be doing.

What I’m beginning to discover, is that there is a difference between frittering away your day, and the practice of “not doing.” Joan says in her book that, “facing the unknown is so frightening for most of us that we’ll do just about anything to find our bearings and feel secure again.” You see finding my right and perfect church is going to uproot me completely from my home, my friends, and all that feels safe. While I am eager to get started in my new life, I am already grieving having to let go of all that has nurtured me for the past 10 years.

I am also going through some fear about the unknown. What part of the country will I move to? Will I end up in a place that I love? Will it be warm with beaches, or cold with lots of snow? Will I remember how to do ministry…I’ve been out for four years…or is it like riding a bike? How long will it take for me to establish friends and a new support system? I’ve been through so much change in the past five years, can I take more? What if I don’t find my church before my unemployment runs out? If I don’t find a job, then what will I do? What if I’m not supposed to be going back into ministry; If not that, then what?

As you can see the list could go on and on and on. These are not huge fears, and truly I know and hold to the Truth that all is happening in perfect Divine Order, and all is well. I know this, I truly believe this. However, these little fears (Joan likens them to mud) have taken up residence somewhere deep in a corner in my psyche, and frittering away time just keeps me from facing them, and only muddies the water more. Writing in my book or working on my class material, while definitely productive, does nothing to help clear away the mud either.

So, what does Joan say will clear the mud or the fears away? She talks about ‘letting go’ and surrendering, and honoring whatever you are feeling. I’ve always been a big advocate for honoring my feelings; so I had a good cry. I also took out the meditation CD from the book and played it, which helped me connect with my Source….the part of me that knows all and is one with all.

I had planned on spending my day working on my paper for school, but instead I honored the wisdom of not doing. Instead, I wrote this blog entry, because for me this kind of writing can be transformative. “Not Doing” doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing…it means doing whatever you are doing from a place of total connection with your Source. It means trusting, even what you don’t know and can’t see. It means simply…Being. When one is coming from that place of Being, one can choose to do nothing, or one can choose to do something…but it will clearly be a choice free from mud.